Jersey Shore - Sure is a Mess

I wrote this up some years ago, and just found it on my computer. No reason I'm the only one who should suffer.

 

 

I watched a bunch of Jersey Shore episodes (to see what all the fuss was about) and boy, am I dumber for the effort. I can literally feel that my IQ has dropped 40 points after long-term exposure to these self-absorbed clowns. It’s obvious that Italians (and European immigrants in general) are not included under the current woke-ass protection umbrella, otherwise this show would have been banned long ago. I’m going to rank the show’s 9 cast members, from Normal to Train wreck: 

 

VINNY 

Vinny is one of the few cast members who seem to have any sense of normalcy, or redeeming character traits. Quite an accomplishment for someone growing up with an uncle who’s the poster boy for sleazy “Bada-Bing”.

 

SAMANTHA (“Sammi Sweetheart”) 

She’s definitely a drama queen, but unlike the other girls is not a constant drunken mess. She also showed enough common sense not to return for the reboot series. 

 

PAULY (“Pauly D”) 

Like Vinny, he's the only other male cast member whose life isn’t in shambles, but he gets points off for his over-indulgence in things like his hair, tanning, t-shirts, shouting catch-phrases, and talking through his ubiquitous megaphone. 

 

JENNY (“J-Wow”) 

She seems to be the only “grown-up” among the girls, but there are times when she flies off the handle over the dumbest things (like when someone else “comes at her”). What a trumped-up drama queen. 

 

RONNIE 

This dude means well, but is his own worst enemy, both with anger management, and in his relationships. He does seem like a fun guy most of the time though (unlike Mike). 

 

MIKE (“The Situation”) 

This self-absorbed jerk constantly refers to himself in the 3rd-person, makes up assorted nicknames for himself, and generally takes credit for keeping this ship on an even keel (it’s not). He is the back-stabbing weasel of this group though, no matter how much he tells everyone he has their back. 

 

NICOLE (“Snooki”) 

This dope spends 80% of her time drinking, and the other 20% either sleeping, cursing, or dressing in ridiculous clothes. It’s hard to believe she’s now someone’s mother. I pity those kids. 

 

DEENA 

She was a friend of Nicole’s before the series began, and was brought in beginning in season 2 as Angelina’s replacement. Like Nicole, she’s a short, round, drunken mess who often falls over for no reason other than she’s stone-drunk. Unlike Nicole, she has absolutely no cuteness factor. 

 

ANGELINA 

Is there a bigger train wreck in all of New Jersey than this freak show? I think not. She was fired from the series in season 1 and again a few seasons later, then for some reason was invited back onto the show about 9 years later. Always having the worst potty-mouth, in later years she wears more makeup than a circus clown, and often looks like a drag queen, both facially and in her choice of clothing.